It happened to me again.
I have never walked through life unusually paranoid. Those who know me or even meet me for the first time will find me rather amiable…”silly’ in fact, as my niece used to call me. I laugh with recognition at those commercials where this insurance guy is trying to stop older folks from acting too much like their parents; I talk to anybody, am probably overly friendly, and if I had my way, everybody would be laughing at my stupid jokes. But of late, I have noticed that the TWM that I am (that’s Toxic White Male) is especially suspect in our society. I guess it’s about time, right? We’ve had it too good for too long. But today I met up with yet another instance where I felt folks facing me felt that they were in danger.
And yes, yet again, one of those folks was female.
Here are my three examples of late. Again, I do not walk around thinking I am being put upon, bring any more attention to myself than need be (not at this ripe old age) and generally am very nice. And I have cultivated a very good sense about people. It is about the only thing that I really can brag that I know…the rest of what’s going on about me or any other facts, forget it. I am as dumb as a stone. Still…
- In Las Vegas, while stopping to pick up two ladies for a Lyft ride-share my buddy and I were taking (he in the passenger seat, me in the back) two ladies, a tick younger than us maybe, slipped into the back seat, being the only two seats left in the car. The woman wiggling her way in towards me gave a decided shrug of revulsion over having to be that close to me. I was already leaning as far to the left and the door as I could to give her room. But the feeling was palatable that she did not want to be anywhere near me…and I shower a couple times a day.
Did the lady have Anthropophobia? Bad place to be then, as Vegas is full of people. Like I say, I felt it was the abundance of maleness around her. Chris, a guy in the front seat, our driver a man, me sitting next to her. As I say, I have a good sense of these things. You don’t have to doubt me here, even if you want to.
- I walked into a ULTA store post-Christmas. I mention the name of the store not because I have any gripe against this establishment, but to indicate that ULTA is the kind of store it is; yes, I was the only male in this place that decidedly sells more products to the female population of the planet. But should me coming in have earned me the stares of derision I got? I walked to the long line where returns were being engaged and just waited for my place, but the feeling I picked up was “Eww, a guy and an older guy at that!”
Again, I pride myself on one of the few superpowers I have managed to cultivate over my 63 long years, one of which is that I am a rather good student of human nature and the feelings of those around me. What I felt was real.
- Today, and what prompted this blog…I have been having some trouble with CHASE Bank (and I do name them to warn you all that you might be better served by another financial establishment) so I actually walked into my local Allwood brand today. Have you done this lately? If there was one teller and a couple of other folks in the clear cubicles, that was a lot! But I met a young woman standing in this little office and a man sitting behind her and asked if I might speak with them. I laid out my problem to which the woman told me something I have been hearing now for a bit, that I had to call a specific number directly (which I had by that point 3 times in two weeks and to no avail…which was why I had come in right then to talk to a human) and after her spiel, I calmed myself to throw out a joke (or an aside I thought was witty and non-offensive…go figure) but I could see her getting nervous. To which I reminded them both that I knew they were not to blame, joked again, flashed the dimples (always my go-to, but pretty useless on women under a certain age), but impressed upon them that I needed to have the situation addressed now and thought I was well within my right to ask as I had not only just opened a new account with their bank, I had had one already for a while and figured ‘my bank’ could and would want to help me, a good customer. No? The young lady begged off, indicating that the man might be able to help with one part of the snafu—which he did, thank you–but once again I felt those daggers from her of “Uh oh, here is a TWM! He’s surely a potential threat. Abort! Abort! Norman Coordinate” (that’s for you OG Trek fans)
When I left the bank, I as much shook the man’s hand who helped me as called across the bank floor (where there were no customers at that time) to the offended young woman a hearty “Thank you!” and wave, to which she barely looked up.
I really do hope she recovers.
Sure, we have become an overly skittish weak-ass society of late. I could blame the echo chamber of social media or the pendulum swing of supposed justice prejudicing further actions that seem in contradiction to the norm. But here’s the thing about my feelings…if you want to tell me that you feel oppressed, assaulted, nervous because of a personal history or what has been exposed as the experience of others you align with, that’s fine. I can’t dispute your feelings, as I do not walk in your shoes. But you equally can’t tell me that what I feel is not legitimate. When in fact, as I said up above, I work hard at being heavily empathetic (I was emotionally intelligent before the term was even overused).
So, once again TWM strikes. Be careful, I am out there.
